That’s it lah. It’s over. Done. Kapesh.

Call me old maid if you will (I pity the fool who does).

29 is fast approaching and I look back at my first blog entry. At 25, I had the foresight of what was to come, but little understanding of who I was to become.

Ah, what a journey, what a trip, what a start!

I still can’t believe I’m turning 30 next year. I still can’t believe some of my closest friends are holding babies in their arms. When did it all change, when did we stop taking it one day at a time and start planning for our future? When did I get more matured? What, I’m responsible? Naw… shucks, thanks.

I suppose that’s the funny thing about growth. It creeps up on you, like an overgrown plant looking to root itself to something, anything. And before you know it, you’re a part of it and you can’t stop shooting for the sky.

I’m happy. For the first time in a very long time, I’m just happy. Being. I can let go of all that teenage angst, the blaming of parents for what went wrong and taking responsibility for all that will go wrong in the future. I’m happy not chasing, not comparing all the time. Sure I’ve got friends who are happily married, why not me?

Why not not. Why, not. Not, why.

Who cares.

God is with me. He’ll know when I’m truly ready for the next phase of my life. And I almost feel he’s kind of looking down, cajoling me on, playing with me. And asking me to just enjoy this moment that I will never have for the rest of my life. He’s asking me to enjoy the anticipation, the growth, and patience as all part of the process of life.

I smile.

I’ve spent the larger part of the last year wondering what went wrong in my previous relationship. Feeling guilty, and then right at the same time. Questioning. Re-assessing. Reading. Being dis-jointed from society and just observing and taking notes. And the realization to that? I don’t know. And I don’t need to know.

Love is a choice. And when that day comes, I will choose to love the person I am with everyday, consciously. And I’ll probably make a whole lot of other mistakes as well. But I will not make the same mistake of going on selfish default and expecting his love to serve and save the both of us.

And in the meantime, I choose to love those around me with all my capacity. Finding meaning in what is already in front of me. Rectifying and growing from my past relationship with Pan by sticking by each other as friends and working partners.

I’ve stepped away from this blog for awhile because it just became a matter of ‘what’s the point?’ Shot down several times, being picky to the point of being nauseous and self-centered, I procrastinated many times on continuing this blog. It had hurt some people. Or rather, I had hurt some people.

And to set the record straight: Mr Pan has grown up. All we needed was time, and understanding and patience. And maybe a good, swift kick in the butt. I don’t know if it would have worked out had we tried another path. All I do know is where we are now, works. We’ve both matured, and we’re both able to deal with issues that come up in extremely different ways than we did five years ago. And he has a lovely, lovely girlfriend. More than I ever was. And for that, I learn and grow.

Our lives are made up of a string of decisions which we make a long the way. Make one decision and it goes down one path, make another and you choose the blue pill. I suppose that’s why I always take such a long time to make a decision. But then, perhaps it would have always led me to the same place after all. Who knows.

I decide to be happy, as I am, here and now, now. ☺
The End

Last night, a friend of mine passed away. I’m still in shock.

Whenever that happens (and it has happened with a number of friends over the past years), I’m in a spin. It makes me re-evaluate and re-look at what’s important in my life and what I’m doing here on earth.

The difference is this time I had the honour and privilege of spending her last few hours here on earth, with her. And if I had known, I would probably have said more to her.

I wonder what her last few moments were like. The thing that gets to most is it could have been any one of us. It was a clubbing night. Something I haven’t done in awhile. And we all left the club a little tipsier than we should have been. She stayed on whilst the rest of us left earlier. It could have been any one of us.

I still can’t believe it. One moment you’re standing right in front of me, the next I’m saying goodbye to you in a box? Fuck.

I remember waking up this morning thinking I owe you a beer from last night.

Did He say it was your time? Or was it because of the choices you made?  I need to believe this isn’t the end. I can’t believe that’s it. Nothing more. Nada. All hopes and dreams and goals just vaporised into thin air with the collision of metal.

God life is short. And so damn fragile.

I can’t help but tell myself there’s something to take out of this, there’s a lesson in it, something to be learnt, remembered. So that your life doesn’t just accumulate to being one big party with no purpose. So that your death was not in vain.

Thank you for giving me the honour of being there with you last night. For sharing a little snippet of your dreams with me. For divulging a little of your past.

I apologise for not being responsible enough to make sure you were okay, or at least to ask you to get home safely. I’m sorry I just assumed I’d see you another night out partying. I’m sorry I was so damn irresponsible for my own life and anyone else around me that was driving tipsy.

Take care my dear. You will not go in vain.

If you look deep enough into my head,
You may find,

Summer conversations
Winter cuddles
Meandering days
Tea and sugar
Stories on loan
Voices of others
Snippets of fading relationships
Time schedules.
Moments with you.
Philosophy and poetry strung through a necklace,
Algebra on music scores,

A thumbtack to piece it all together.

And if you stay long enough
Perhaps we’ll find a way.

Ok. I have a question!

Why have I been constantly hearing that when it comes to the topic of marriage, men get scared willy-nilly.

WHATS UP!?

Should a girl bullshit her way through dating and not bring up the conversation until – what 3 years into the relationship, only to find out that the guy is a commitment-phobe?

And should I mask the fact that I’m a chick, and not tell you that – YES I may indulge in a little fantasy on the first date, wondering if your surname is going to be mine as you the guy might think about my booty on a lonely night? Are men not ballsy enough to understand that it’s just that- a little fantasy? Is being honest too full-on?

I say – spit it out on the first date! Name your intentions! Are you looking for:

a. A fling
b. A one night stand
c. Marriage
d. Just a friend
e. Anything will do, all of the above.

Please tick your category, and if our check-boxes coincide, well then, let’s see… shall we?

Should women state their intentions clearly early on? Why do men (in general) get turned-off by the idea of commitment?

Your thoughts please.

You creep into my dreams.
Gnaw at me like a dead weight I can’t let go off.
When will it happen?

I’m holding on to a cloud.
I’ve made you my poster boy of perfection.
That I want to cut loose, sever, define.

I need realness.
Flesh, skin, bone and damnation.
I need a voice.
A sign.
Divination.

When?

I’m hiding in my little cubby hole.

It’s safe here, behind words.

After two tries. I’m almost afraid to get out there again.

Into that cess pool we call dating.

Ah, that quest for the ‘knock-you-off-your-feet,’ tingling sensation, unexplainable chemistry where the rationale side just gets completely blown out the window.

What of the divorcee you ask?

Well, let’s put it this way – timing is everything. And unfortunately, it wasn’t on our side.

2008 is here and it’s a whole new year, a whole new search, a whole new clean slate! Who knows what it will or will not bring. I’ve been hiding out in my little cubby-hole. After 2 failed attempts of putting myself out there on the firing line, I needed some serious time-out to just be on my own, to reflect.

And possibly not to be so psycho about the whole ‘Am I going to have your children?’ type-questions after the first date.

In this cocooning stage, I have also come to a new epiphany. That my focus on finding that one true love shall now be focused first and fore-mostly on my relationship with Him. And so, just like how I’ve approached finding the ultimate male specimen, I’ve started flirting and dating around with religion.

It’s been an interesting process. I hate to say it but I’ve probably approached it in exactly the same way I’ve approached relationships previously – selfishly. What can you offer me, oh religion? Prove to me – why should I succumb to you? And, as always, which religion is the perfect ‘fit’ for me.

But what it really comes down to I suppose, and it this is trivialising it slightly – is that I do believe there is one God. And He knows my path, and He knows that what I want is not always what is good for me. And He will guide me to where He needs me to go, and He is loving, and kind, and if I trust in Him, and follow His words, to simplify my life down to the core basic human goodness and purity – I believe, the path will be a lot less cluttered and smoother than what I’ve created for myself thus far. ☺

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Also known as the ‘get-together’ period for people actively scrambling to get into a relationship. Or the ‘lonely’ period for people like me.

It kind of feels like musical chairs. The music plays, the festivities start, everyone is dashing to get a chair to settle down in. And if you’re not quick or strategic enough, you’re left standing out in the cold, watching this game go on.

Every other day on facebook, one more single person goes over to the ‘other’ side and switches their relationship status to ‘in a relationship’, or ‘no status’ (which really means that they are in the ‘testing waters’ period).

I wonder, how many of these relationships are going to last? Are they just being together out of the need for companionship? Do they really get along? Have they really decided what it is they are looking for in a relationship? How many will end up married? How many will end up back to single status within the next six months?

How many times will they have sex in between that? ☺

I suppose if you’re not looking for a serious commitment, then it doesn’t matter as much. Five years ago I would never have even wondered what it really was that I was looking for in a relationship. Or myself.

It was as simple as – I just like him lah. With no thought as to where were we heading in life, whether we had similar values or life goals. Being on the same wave-length, having a mutual attraction, and having similar interests was all that sufficed.

This does not of course mean that waiting out is going to increase my chances of a happier long-term relationship by any means. I have come, or am coming to understand that all decisions made are a 50-50 chance. At the end of the day, you just jump of the plane and take a leap of faith you’ll enjoy the 60 seconds of free-fall, tummy-churning exhilaration and not end up flat on your face in six million parts.

And so- where does that leave pedantic singlehoods like myself? Throwing santa elves and eggnog virtually at other people, attending church, reading, spending time with other singles, family-time, writing fervently in my blog, and going for the pink rabbit

Do you believe in soul mates? Or is it just a romantic, floosey notion that some sap made up? And if we meet our soul mate, who happens to be of the opposite sex, does that mean we will end up in a romantic relationship with them?

What is a soul mate?

I Googled it today. Wikipedia came up with:

Soulmate (or soul mate) is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one’s soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join. However, not everyone who uses these terms intends them to carry such mystical connotations.

As I’ve been getting to know Mr Married, this notion has popped up in my head somewhat over time. I’m not confirming that I believe he is my soul mate. But rather, entertaining the notion of a what-if. However, I must be extremely realistic about this and also say : I’ve spoken to him more times in my head than I have actually physically met up with him. But each time we have spoken, or met up – something has clicked for me. Anyway, so… take this with a pinch of salt, as I try to not run away with the romantic fairies once again…

Definitions throughout time:

Soul lovers – someone you love, and would do anything for, and someone who loves you, and would do anything for you. And in that love, nothing is required for either person, because everything is already given. You love them more than anything in the world and could not live without them. Erm. Ok I don’t think we’re quite there.

Soul sister/brother – some one belonging in the same soul group as you and therefore having an unusually strong bond and likeness to you. This I can believe. Mr Married and I do seem to function on a very similar energy wave pattern system. Emotionally, our soul vibrations definitely seem to be in sync.

Classical – Greek mythology – Originally humans were combined of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spending their lives searching for the other half to complete them. This theory was presented as a half-serious story by Aristophanes in Plato’s Symposium, after all the participants at the Symposium (“drinking party”) were charged to philosophize on the topic of love. Romantic. But a bit too idealistic, fancy, schmancy for me.

Spiritual and religious – concepts of reincarnation and karma. Soulmates have spent many previous lifetimes together. Not quite sure I believe this, but I don’t deny the possibility.

Karmic soulmate – someone who has a special mission or influence on one’s life. Totally. But I don’t believe this necessarily applies to Mr Married exclusively. There have been a select few along the way who I think have been this for me, and I for them.

Companion soulmate – People with whom one has made a connection. At this point, I’m going to be put Mr Married and I as this.

Twin soulmates – Very close friends with whom one has strong bonds.

Twin flame soulmate – A popular romantic belief that there is only one true soulmate. Bzzz. Nope. Next.

Scientific soulmate – (If) a relationship can be quantified, and scored according to an internal happiness scale. A scientific soulmate is the person with whom you are the absolute happiest. You would therefore be less happy with any other person in existence.

Balance partners and messengers – The people you meet along the way who help you create balance in your life. This is interesting. I’ve met many friends along the way who I term ‘angels,’ who have added such richness to my life in playing this role. I believe Mr Pan right now is this for me.

Divine complement – A new colloquialism for a ‘match made in heaven’, a twin soul, who holds inborn potentials that match and complement one’s own and who is linked eternally through a signature in the heart at the dimension of the spirit. Don’t believe that any match was made in heaven. Do believe in the ones created on earth☺

Coming back to Mr Married and I. There have been several ironies that have allowed me to entertain the notion that perhaps we might be kindred spirits on some level. We are very similar emotionally on many levels. Operating on the same energy vibrations is something I have not been attuned to with many people. Something about this one is a little bit different, perhaps because I see many similarities in the both of us. Of course this makes me wonder – if two people have such similar dispositions, can they cope with each other? Or will their similarities eventually drive each other up the wall?

When I mean similar I mean – we are both strong headed. In our passionate natures, this is probably what has drawn us to each other, and could possibly repel us as well. It’s that feeling of being extremely alive when you’re with that person, and yet that’s the exact same reason that makes you have enough of him or her very soon. I wonder, if at the end of the day, for sanctity and sanity of a marriage, if it’s better to have people who are opposite in disposition (eg. One calm, the other more passionate).

One thing I do know is that if we ever do get together, I’m going to be the one who should know when to shut up. And learn to be less dogmatic. Of course, the question really is – can I REALLY let a man tell me what to do? 

Hell I don’t know. ☺ But neither am I worried about it. Am in the process of conducting a field research with many married couples though, young and old, to see the different dynamics of relationships. Stay Tuned…

They say before you can find who you’re looking for, you need to find or rather, define yourself. And after writing this, if there was any epiphany that I had- it was that – even though I am in no position to presume what type of person or whom I will end up with, at least I’ve got myself somewhat sorted and defined. So- here goes.

As I have spent half my life being self-absorbed about this, and this whole year re-defining it – I suppose it only feels apt that, coming to the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008, I put thoughts down to virtual paper.

I AM.

A little off-beat, but not too left nor right skewed. Just 1cm away from normality to add colour into this world. I can appreciate the kookiness and somewhat magnificence of a brain that operates on a whole different level of off-kilterness, but unfortunately or fortunately, am too grounded to fly off with the fairies.

And thus- I resign myself to my semi-normality.

HOWEVER!

I believe I am meant to for great things. To inspire the world somehow. I believe everything happens for a reason, and that I may not see it immediately, but the dots will join later. I am an extremely spiritual being, but not necessarily religious. I also believe I have full control over the decisions I make in my life. Over the years i’ve also come to a realization that who I am is extremely tied and dependant on how I can serve anyone in any given moment.

In a relationship I can be extremely loving, loyal, passionate, bubbly, a great friend, confidante, nurturer. However, I also require my own space to grow and figure things out on my own. At the same time, I have come to a realization that I also need or want to be led. Because really, even though at many times I like to believe I’m a know-it-all, I really don’t.

In my perfectionist stance, I tend to be over-critical, bossy and want things to go my way. I am learning how to let go of this and go with the flow:)

I am looking for a relationship I can grow everyday with till we grow old together. One that is built on similiar life goals/values/attraction/giving/understanding. I am not looking for a fling, a one-night stand or a menage tois. I am also looking for deep and meaningful friendships with people, boys, girls, anyone- who I can grow together with, and who will benefit as much from meeting me as I will learning from them.

I believe the only thing limited in this world is our time on it. My 24 hours is very precious to me, what I do with it everyday has to be purposeful, or significant…

Except when I’m face booking and wasting time:P

Does this fully define me? Not really.