You creep into my dreams.
Gnaw at me like a dead weight I can’t let go off.
When will it happen?
I’m holding on to a cloud.
I’ve made you my poster boy of perfection.
That I want to cut loose, sever, define.
I need realness.
Flesh, skin, bone and damnation.
I need a voice.
A sign.
Divination.
When?
I’m hiding in my little cubby hole.
It’s safe here, behind words.
After two tries. I’m almost afraid to get out there again.
Into that cess pool we call dating.
Ah, that quest for the ‘knock-you-off-your-feet,’ tingling sensation, unexplainable chemistry where the rationale side just gets completely blown out the window.
What of the divorcee you ask?
Well, let’s put it this way – timing is everything. And unfortunately, it wasn’t on our side.
2008 is here and it’s a whole new year, a whole new search, a whole new clean slate! Who knows what it will or will not bring. I’ve been hiding out in my little cubby-hole. After 2 failed attempts of putting myself out there on the firing line, I needed some serious time-out to just be on my own, to reflect.
And possibly not to be so psycho about the whole ‘Am I going to have your children?’ type-questions after the first date.
In this cocooning stage, I have also come to a new epiphany. That my focus on finding that one true love shall now be focused first and fore-mostly on my relationship with Him. And so, just like how I’ve approached finding the ultimate male specimen, I’ve started flirting and dating around with religion.
It’s been an interesting process. I hate to say it but I’ve probably approached it in exactly the same way I’ve approached relationships previously – selfishly. What can you offer me, oh religion? Prove to me – why should I succumb to you? And, as always, which religion is the perfect ‘fit’ for me.
But what it really comes down to I suppose, and it this is trivialising it slightly – is that I do believe there is one God. And He knows my path, and He knows that what I want is not always what is good for me. And He will guide me to where He needs me to go, and He is loving, and kind, and if I trust in Him, and follow His words, to simplify my life down to the core basic human goodness and purity – I believe, the path will be a lot less cluttered and smoother than what I’ve created for myself thus far. ☺
