What NOT to do with someone you potentially like

Some Stuff I’ve learnt from experience…

1) Have sex within the first month of meeting someone. This just complicates matters beyond comprehension. You haven’t really sussed out if he really likes you, and you’re already throwing a spanner into the equation where the question ‘does he like me for my personality?’ or ‘does he like me for other things?’ will always be looming at the top of your head.

2) Go crazy. I have unfortunately broken this rule. In my attempt to make this guy the person I’m going to marry, I probably scared him off by a) going on a constant barrage of whether we could click, were too different, were too similar etc etc b) thinking about my ex-boyfriend and whether we were meant to be together without allowing myself to let go of him and move onto the next relationship c) calling him up and pimping him off to my friend under the context of ‘you guys probably make a better pair.’

3) Pimp him off to your friend. NEVER. NEVER do this, especially within two months of knowing the guy. What was I thinking?? Actually, that’s right. I wasn’t thinking. I freaked out, and was getting insecure that maybe he didn’t like me enough, so I gave him the ultimate test and pushed him over to a friend, who, unfortunately for me was intrigued enough by him. In all eventuality, if he ends up dating her, at this point, it would just be too weird – social etiquette and all.

4) Tell him you won’t get into a relationship unless it ends in marriage. Seeing somebody, you’re already in some sort of a relationship. Saying you are looking to get married and settle down, and saying that this relationship is going to be IT are completely different things.

5) Tell him ALL your darkest secrets in a week. What else is there to know? He’ll either love you completely (unlikely) or think you’re a weirdo.

6) Talk about other potentials in front of your potential. Another ABSOLUTE NO NO. Unless you’re talking about them in the context of ex-potentials, and why your new flame is SOooo much better than them. If not, it’s advisable to keep your mouth shut. It’s only going to lead to aggravation, competition, and jealousy.

7) Don’t ask too many questions, too soon. Or perhaps, don’t expect to know everything so soon. This just kills the intrigue of everything. It’s like you’re an old married couple who are so comfortable with each other within the first week, when really you shouldn’t be able to keep your hands off each other. (Go back to Point 1).

What TO DO (Or what I am now telling myself for the future)

 

1) Have fun. Flirt. Keep it in the air for awhile.

2) Take it slow. Take different activities together that don’t involve bedroom talk.

3) Enjoy each other’s company.

4) Get to know them on a friendship level basis, if that means going out in a group.

5) Go on plenty of dates. And even on dates with other people if it means keeping your options open until you’re sure.

6) Have a life beyond this person.

7) And of course, my ultimate must have – be honest. Trust is the most important factor for me, whether you’ve been dating one month or 10 years. But not honest to the point of no intrigue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going Full Circle

I came. I saw. I let go.

 

Over the past month, I’ve pretty much gone through (much to my own doing I must say) a roller-coaster of a ride. In a whirlwind frenzy, Mr Potential and I hooked up without even really knowing each other at all apart from having read his profile on Friendster.

 

At first everything was perfect. It was on all accounts somewhat like a dream. He wooed me, I reciprocated, my mother loved him. My father was happy. My friends were envious. If there’s a better cloud to be on than nine, I was on it.

 

My brain is still trying to comprehend the series of events that led up to me deciding that I needed to let go of it. But in any case, I’m glad I followed my heart. I feel at peace now.

 

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that a few days shy of my birthday, I did what is called a Destiny Chart Reading or Bazi. Not being particularly Chinese even though that is my ethnicity, I didn’t quite go into it thinking it would be accurate or that I would necessarily believe it. However, I am a believer that everything happens for a reason.

 

The reading was uncannily accurate. With a Destiny Chart, the idea isn’t to tell you what your future entails. It is used to describe your character, and personality traits, so that you may understand yourself better, and therefore be at ease with yourself in the decisions you make, which if you’re true to who you are, will of course in turn lead to a certain future.

 

Well, this is what the Destiny Chart said about me.

 

I’m meant to do great things. Fooyoh! I’ve always thought so, but who doesn’t?

My career is important to me. What I output to this world is what will make me fulfilled. That’s true.

In relationships, I have unrealistic expectations of what I want. Okayyy…no surprises there.

Because my career is important to me, the type of relationship I have needs to be a rather unconventional one where I can’t play the stay-at-home type of wife. Hmm… I’ve always thought I could.

I do however have a side of me that wants to stay at home and be a tai-tai. There you go.

But this, in the long-term, won’t make me happy or fulfilled. I knew there was a catch!

 

And that’s me, in summary.

 

So then I thought about Mr Potential. He is the type of person who is stable and more ready to settle down and do the kids thing than I am. He’s ready to start the family going, have the home, and he’s in a position to do so. He’ll make a great provider for the kids, and a really sweet father as well.

I could be happy.

 

And this is where it all went haywire.

 

The pressure of getting into a relationship without really knowing each other, and the expectation of me wanting it to end in marriage led to a whole barrage of days where I was running around like a headless chicken, not being able to concentrate on anything else except sussing out whether this was the guy or not. I was on an emotional pendulum, swinging from one view point to the next. One side of me said – look, Ms high and mighty, this guy is PERFECT marriage material. Settle down, marry him, have his kids, enjoy the ride. Some part of that voice, I attribute to my mother.

The other – If I marry this guy, I’m going to become really lazy. I know I probably won’t have to work as hard, I’ll probably give up on the dreams of what I want to do in life, because I’ll be too busy taking care of the kids.

Of course, now in retrospect, these are questions that were asked and could not be answered so early into the relationship. Looking back now, the most important question that was really underlying all these thoughts were – Is there a connection?

And, admittedly so, given all circumstances, I don’t think there was as much of a connection as I had hoped for in my mind. Which then led me to sussing out what sort of girl he’s looking for. There were plenty of tests. Would you get on better with this girl? What do you think about that girl? I almost felt on the verge of becoming a semi-crazy-jealous-kaypohchee (nosey parker).

 

Girls are a lot more intuitive than boys. We suss out whether the conversation is going well, whether we can spar with each other, whether he is actually that interested in what you’re saying, and whether you’re really that keen on what he’s saying. We pay attention to the details.

 

I didn’t get that he was necessarily interested in the things that I was keen on. And it probably was mutual for me. But we respected each other mutually for the things that we both were interested in individually. And so then he met a friend of mine who, I felt, and I think he probably did as well, he could actually get along with really well. And not because he wanted to marry or have kids, but just because I could potentially see, he would want to spend time with her. Because she got him.

 

It was an experience, and quite a heart-wrenching one, to come to terms with the fact Mr Potential was not in fact mine for the keeping. When I told my mother all this, she looked like he had dumped her. She was naturally not a happy camper. But I think on some level, she understood.

 

And so, just like that, I let him and us go. And something inside me says, I don’t think I’m going to regret it.

The Answer to Who You Will Marry Can Be Found on Google

I log onto my stats quite frequently to check out how many people have been reading this blog, and it’s really encouraging to know that there are people out there who click back! Highest hits in a day so far – 1000+ thanks to a certain someone who wrote about this blog!

 

From it – this is what I got –

 

http://lbandit.lah.cc/2007/07/20/marry-who-me-lah/

 

Hilarious. And flattering.

 

In any case, there is a section under blog stats that tell you how people found your blog. This is what people typed into Google and somehow stumbled upon my blog:

 

1. Who will I marry
2. What is the name of the man I will marry (!)
3. Who will I marry for free (!!!!)

 

This of course begs the question – do people actually hope for Google (puts a whole new meaning to the word SEARCH engine) to find the partner of their dreams for them? I suppose it makes sense, that if we can find anything on the web, we can possibly find the perfect mate through it as well.

 

But if it were really that easy, would we be happy with Google’s recommendation? What would Google know about us that would help it narrow the search? Perhaps we could type in all our requirements (ah, the list again!) and *poof* out would pop 3000 potentials that filled that (along with a picture).

 

I’m still not sure about the Who Will I Marry For Free though.

The Domino Effect

It seems like love is truly in the air these days. It’s almost like a domino effect. One person gets hooked up, everyone else seems to scramble and follow suit – blindly or knowingly. I suppose that’s the thing with having such an active social life and hanging out with friends so much. When one bites the dust, the others feel the pinch.

And so goes the merry-go-round of dating.

 

 

Although, I must say, from observation, dating in the late 20s is a lot more interesting, a lot less intense, but a lot more serious than dating in the early 20s.

In the mid-teens to early 20s, dating was quick, fast and you fell into love like you were in and out of a McDonald’s drive-through. With complete and utter infatuation, you went out on a couple of dates, and fell into a relationship like a ton of bricks. Only to realise that perhaps it didn’t work out, or if it did, you enjoyed each other’s company with little regard for the looming future. In the early 20s, dating meant being ‘boyfriend-girlfriend.’ You could either be boyfriend-girlfriend for 1 month, or 6 years.

In the late 20s, dating means ‘we’re seeing each other.’ He’s not exactly my boyfriend, she’s not my girlfriend, but we’re interested enough to spend more time with each other. Yet, at the same time, possibly, we’re keeping our options open.

Everyone’s a little more scared of making that commitment into complete exclusivity. I suppose it’s the fast-paced world that we live in. Or it could just be the age. We know we don’t have that many more years before we do need to somehow decide who it will be. So we take our time, enjoy the last few years of our 20s as much as we can, and..continue seeing each other under the context of ‘we’re just dating.’

Ah, what a beautiful age.

A Woman’s Mind

Before the date:

 

“Do I look pretty enough? Will he think I’m attractive?”

 

“He better live up to my expectations to be worth the time…”

 

“Gosh I hope he won’t be boring.”

 

“Do I look okay?”

 

“Will he pay for dinner. Or shall we go dutch?”

 

And most importantly…

 

“Could he be the one?”

 

During the date:

 

Handsome. Check.

Well spoken. Check.

Loves his family. Check.

Is interesting. Check.

Driven. Check.

Has a wide range of knowledge. Check.

Can potentially see him as the father of my children. Check.

 

Cheque. Check.

 

After the date:

 

May be it’s too soon to see him as the father of my children. Uncheck.

How do I really know if he’s that driven? Uncheck.

We didn’t really agree on certain points. Hold Check.

It really was quite dark. May be I’ll wait till the second date to see if he’s all that. May be check.

 

But is it worth going on another date? Check. Check.

Perfect Vs Perfect

It’s 1:30 in the morning. I’m onto possibly my 600^th cigarette for the day. I can’t sleep. I’m turning slowly into a facebook, alcoholic, cigarette addicted fiend.

My mind is going round and round in circles. Thinking.

Perfect vs perfect. The perfect person vs the perfect relationship.

So Mr Potential Perfect is truly everything text book perfect. He’s intelligent, well-read, sophisticated (to a certain degree), well-spoken, charming, loving, accepting, understanding, good looking, gets on extremely well with my parents who absolutely adore him, is from a good background, well-educated..and the list, goes on.

BUT. (This is beginning to sound vaguely familiar). With girls, there’s always a but.

Is it the perfect relationship?

He talks about things that are foreign to me, and I don’t seem to be able to contribute to. He knows things that I can’t spar with him about. I’ve never been out with somebody who was more intellectual than me. And I suppose that scares me. I don’t know why he likes me. And I don’t know if I bore him. I don’t know if we ‘click.’

I enjoy talking about dreams, hopes, fears, passion… where our lives will take us, growing and understanding each other, talking about the soul, God, the metaphysical. He doesn’t know if he has a soul.

So what is the perfect relationship?

I suppose I always imagined that from Day One, we’d just click automatically.

Gawd. I really got to stop posting such depressing posts.

Grief.

Is this it? Is there no more?

Is this when the credits roll up and the lights come on and there’s nobody left but me. And you. Seeing everything for what it’s been worth.

I look back at the old photographs and it’s almost another time and another place. Different people coming together, intertwined for a brief moment. Only to be separated again by circumstances, by the world, by life.

We had it good, you and I.

Like a child torn from her favorite soft toy, I scream.

Hold on. Hold back. Refuse to let go.

Like a parent saying her last goodbye, I understand.

Time has moved on faster than I.

Your sweetness I’ll never forget.

Your courage I’ll keep forever.

Your child-like ways I’ll always laugh at.

Your strength I’ll always cherish.

And so,

Almost unwillingly,

I take the past.

And let go of our future.

Take care my love.

The Story Unfolds…

Me and Mr Potential have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now. All my friends have met him, my parents have met him and my mom absolutely loves him.

 

At this point, he’s the closest to perfect that a girl could ask for. I have this list (don’t we all) that I wrote down a couple of months ago that I’d like to have in a partner. Intelligent (check), well read (check), well-traveled (check), can cook (check-phew!), well spoken (check), is driven (well, he’s responsible), considerate (check), great to talk to (check, check), has um large feet (check!).

 

As with any new, budding relationship, we’re still finding out a lot about each other. What we like and what we don’t. The difference between this and every other relationship I’ve had is that the topic of conversation tends to sway towards more ‘serious’ issues like what we expect from a marriage, kids, and life in general. From day one I pretty much made it clear that I’m not interested in getting into a relationship unless we both can see that it’s going to head towards the altar.

 

I’m extremely happy being in my single-state. I have busied myself with a lot of social activities, and work is important to me, so if it’s not worth the time, it’s just not worth the effort. Mr Potential is okay with that, which is cool. Which is why we haven’t changed the label from ‘just dating’ to ‘being in a relationship.’

 

For all intent and purposes, with him having met my entire world, we probably should be. But I suppose it has something to do with maturity and knowing that in every day, there really are only 24 hours that you have to devote your time to something. So choosing it wisely can alter the next ten years of ones life.

 

In any case, we’ll see what happens…

Third Times A Charm

Of late, I’ve suddenly found myself back in the dating scene. Just like that my stocks are up again and I’m back in popularity. Over a span of one weekend, I found myself lining up three dates to go out with.

Date No. 1 : The Husband Material

Date No 1 is the perfect settle-down, stable kind of guy. I never found myself attracted to him, but I thought I’d give the date a shot in any case. If you never try it, you’ll never know has always been my motto. So it’s a Saturday, and he’s taking me out to the Philharmonic. Swanky. And classy. I draw him a map to my house because he’s insisted on picking me up, and he rocks up, briefly encounters my curious mother for a second before he shyly bolts out the door. We go for a quick dinner, which I insist on paying so that it’s even and there’s no expectations of where this might head to, before heading for the philharmonic. I’ve never really been a fan of orchestra, and tonight, as my head nods off ever so slightly to the lull of the music, I have proven to myself that this probably isn’t the type of thing I’m going to get used to anytime soon. Husband Material on the other hand is obviously soaking in the ambience of the atmosphere and enjoying it immensely. I feel extremely undignified sitting next to him.

After the last note has been played and I’ve woken up sufficiently from my sleepy-meditative state, I tell him that I’ve got to go to a friend’s party and ask him politely whether he’d like to join me. He says yes. So we head on over to this friend’s place, who is a writer, and hang around with the weirdest and most artsy fartsy of people. My kind of crowd. Husband Material is obviously feeling extremely uncomfortable in this situation, but tries to make the most of it. The night ends with me asking him to drop me off at a nightclub. Obviously, this hasn’t gone too well.

Date No. 2: The Good Friend

Date No 2 I met at an underground gig. I thought he was a pretty cool guy, but again didn’t have much of an attraction to him. So we end up in a nice little restaurant where he’s organized to have flowers arranged for the table. He’s a real arty fella who is a true kid at heart. As I’m sitting there having a conversation with him, I realize how alike to Peter Pan (see below) he is. His mannerisms, his beliefs, his whole persona. As would be expected, that would be the first and last date. Once bitten, twice shy.

Date No. 3: The Potential

I had actually met date No. 3 on Friendster (yes it works!). You know how you check out people that are checking you out? Well, that’s what happened. I thought this guy sounded like a really interesting guy. We had contacted each other a couple of times but he was in and out of the country a lot and so we never actually met up. Finally, on Saturday, after Date No. 1, I randomly bumped into him at the night-club, and lo-and behold for some reason there was an instant connection and attraction, and we hit it off..in more than one way. So by the time Monday came around and we were supposed to actually go on our ‘proper date’ there were obviously a lot more expectations in play. And they didn’t fall short. He was witty, smart, funny, he could cook, and he had this cute charm about him that seemed really down-to-earth. I really liked this guy. And I could potentially see us dating a whole lot more.

So, that’s the beginning. There’s plenty more to come. I know I haven’t updated this blog for awhile, and as you can tell I’ve been busy;) Keep reading to see how this all unfolds!